7 Tips For Nervous Flyers

July 31, 2015

Awesome. via Citizenwells.net

1. You don’t have to worry about constant pit-stops. With cross-country drives or bus trips, it seems like every five minute’s you need to make a stop to check the oil or coolant in your friends 22 year old Honda Civic, or perform the dreaded tire changing ritual with only YouTube and a manual jack. But with flying, there’s no need to stop – whether there’s clear skies, turbulence, or a cockpit fire, your only option is to just keep on cruising. Hey – don’t get too comfortable there… ;)

2. There are no bears. While flocks of geese and ducks have been known to down passenger jets by falling into the forward turbine ports and causing fires and explosions, there are by contrast almost no species of bear that live in the sky. So no need to keep your food and laundry off the ground with a rope swing, or to avoid strong perfumes – you are totally bear-free.

3. Don’t worry – you can’t be trapped in the sky forever. It’s just science! if you feel like that 8-hour flight might be turning into an eternity imprisoned in the Sky King’s Realm, swallow a textbook and wash a couple of chill pills down after it. The gravity-fighting strength of your plane’s engines is no match for the monstrous, inexorable gravitational attraction of the Earth — so don’t worry! Even if you run out of fuel, you’ll still be able to get back home.

4. Anonymous casual sex. Many people who suffer anxiety orders cover up their symptoms by using replacement gratifications, like food, alcohol, pornography, and other addictive substances and habits – so why shouldn’t you? Everybody knows about the Mile High Club – just walk up to the single bathroom stall in the middle of the plane, knock, and say “will you be needing refreshments?” Works every time.

5. A clean death is a good death. Even if the improbable does happen, you can at least take comfort in the knowledge that your last moments will be filled with purified oxygen, flames, and horrendous centrifugal forces causing you to most likely lose consciousness in a cloud of peaceful, almost orgasmic terror.

6. Remember – flying is the safest form of transport while travelling at 730KM/hour. Aside from in a bullet train or an experimental rocket car blasting across the salt flats of Mongolia, if you’re going to trapped inside a fast-moving metal tube, there really are no other forms of transport as safe and comfortable as plane travel. Aeroplanes are built to extremely high engineering standards, and safety is rigorously maintained through pre-design testing, computer modelling, and of course constant drills and checks. Unless someone forgets that one time. But that hardly ever happens.

7. Ask if you can land the plane. We still haven’t convinced you that you’re 100% safe and the pilots won’t let harm come to you? Okay, just give it a shot – it’s worth a try.

Just remember — you’re in one of the most advanced and solidly built pieces of machinery to ever hurtle through the sky filled with jet fuel – the last thing you need to worry about is safety ;)