6 Cool Hacks to Stay Warm This Winter

Don't worry, it'll warm up soon

Posted by on 8th Jul 2015

1. It’s all about layers. As the old saying goes: “There’s no such thing as bad weather – just the wrong clothes!” — and it’s true. The secret to warmth is insulation – keeping the heat in, and preventing the cold void of space from sucking it out, by putting a barrier between your heat-generating body and the empty blackness just beyond your flesh. Astronauts already understand this, which is why they’re able to survive the endless winter of space. Try adding another layer of jackets to your current business clothes; or instead of wearing a short skirt, wear three on top of each other!

2. Insulate your home the smart way, by stuffing surplus copies of the Good News Bible into your wall cavities. The bible is, by far, the most popular book of all time, selling an estimated five billion copies world-wide; so what’s a few more? Good life-hacking is all about sourcing cheap materials to do the simplest, most effective job – let the word of the Lord protect you! Bibles are so abundant in Christian book stores and repossessed churches, it’s easy to get your hands on enough insulating material to see you through winter and summer. After all, for everything there is a season…

3. Reconsider your concept of what a “normal” temperature should be. We’re told by scientists that to maintain good health, our body’s core temperature must be maintained at 37.5C (236.5 Fahrenheit). But what do scientists know about your body? They can’t even find a link between vaccines and autism, even when all the evidence is out there. Don’t entrust your body warming to expensive quacks and retail ski jackets – decide for yourself what’s “normal” for your body burrito. 36 won’t get you very far in an exam, but it might be your ‘personal best’ for temperature, and who can argue with that?

4. Invest in solar rebates. Get some of that sick sun-warmth money, and use it to buy more wall-bibles and mini-skirts.

5. Build a miniature Archimedes’ solar death-ray. The ancients knew a thing or two about science and technology – in fact, did you know the word ‘technology’ comes from ancient Greek? What most people are now just discovering is that the ancients were also just as energy conscious as us, even when it came to weapons of war. Archimedes’ “death ray” was a giant system of mirrors and lenses (probably), used to focus the sun’s powerful energy into a pseudo-laser weapon for attacking enemy ships off-shirt, when they were just out of reach of archers. Now you can build your own mini heat ray for your living room – the plans are on the internet! Wow internet, is there anything you can’t distribute?

6. Just leave the hot water tap running 24/7. Water has greater mass than air – that’s why it feels colder when there’s mist; even though the extra humidity makes it warmer than on a dry, windy day — such as the endless days in the wintery abyss of interstellar space. Let the magical properties of the water wonder-compound do the work for you – and submerge your living space in a constant sea of delicious warm liquid! We know what you’re thinking – how will I watch TV with all this fucking water everywhere? Simple — just chock up your flatscreen with some cork blocks (available from any hardware store for much cheaper than retail floating TV kits), and wrap the cabling and plugs with cellophane; and you’re done. Plus, sound travels even better under water than through air – how do you think whales talk? Let your ears dip a little bit into the tidal flow, and you’ll get to experience what usually requires an expensive surround sound setup! Cool!