1. Be a millionaire. It’s something nobody wants to admit, but our actions – especially in the realm of romance – are often dictated by primal instincts that have been baked in over eons of evolution. Women have a strong nesting instinct, and whether they know it or not, they crave a strong provider to protect them and secure resources they can turn into babies. Being a millionaire means always being able to provide the essentials that her body language and inner woman spirit cry out for – like place-settings, impromptu expensive gifts, and nutrient-rich meats. Not a millionaire? No need to worry – instincts can still be fooled. Try these for starters:
a millionaire caught in the glare of a thousand tiny camera phone flashes
- To hint at unseen wealth, wear a folded hundred-dollar bill in your breast pocket – or, if you don’t wear suits or aren’t in formal attire, try secreting hundred-dollar notes about the house or embed them at your dating location, so you can use them casually as napkins, place-mats, or to comb your hair during the conversation.
- Wealthy men avoid menial tasks, instead hiring others to do the boring work – have a friend dress up as your butler, and shout at him when you invite her around for dinner.
- Nothing says wealth like the toys of the rich – but if you can’t afford a yacht, try inventing one, by always wearing boating shoes and yachting attire, and end every encounter with “…but I have to get back to the marina now or they’ll tow my yacht.”
- Bill Gates, worth 59 billion dollars, says he owes his success to time-saving measures – like not having think about what to wear each day. Nothing says “I don’t have time for non-wealth-increasing activities” like always wearing exactly the same clothes, no matter the season, time of day, or occasion. Pick a favourite outfit you’re comfortable in, and can cheaply source many copies of – like a Nickelback concert t-shirt, or yoga pants – and put them in rotation so you can get back to the important stuff, like checking the talent at the local bakery.
2. The cello. If music be the food of love, play on… These immortal words are the opening lines to Shakespeare’s greatest romantic play Twelfth Night. Of all the instruments associated with romance – the saxophone, the pipe organ, Lionel Richie – the cello must surely be in the top five. Try impressing your heart’s desire by telling her you can play the “French guitar”, then whip out your pre-tuned cello, straddle its curvaceous dark-stained form, and let the strains of “La Vida Loca” (voted #1 romantic song by Hello magazine Top 100 Love Songs 1999) burst forth from your sex-making string monster. If she’s even a little bit heterosexual, she’ll be weak at the knees with wave after wave of sonic sensuality rolling over her and turning her to putty in your hands – which will be playing the cello.
3. Mention you’re really into women’s lib. Every woman appreciates a nod now and then to their interests, and women’s lib (short for the Women’s League of Libertarian Scholars) is all the rage. Try memorising some talking points from Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead that you can weave into conversation when you buy your next surplus cocktail – she’ll see that you understand not only her daily struggles, but all sisterhood’s global fight for the legislation of absolute property rights and an anarchistic capitalist economic discourse.
4. Be Edward James Olmos. There aren’t many ladies out there who won’t swoon over backwards for the hunk of Burning Season love himself, Edward “James” Olmos — or “Mr O” to some who know him. Whether delivering stirring speeches in the Battlestar Galactica reboot or cryptic one-liners in Blade Runner, you’ll probably never be able to compete with this made-for-TV sausage-fest; but take heart! Imitation is, after all, the sincerest form of flattery – why not try downing a few glasses of grain alcohol at lunches to nourish a scratchy Olmos roar; or, use a large-aperture cheese-grater to bring a bit of the rugged charm of savage acne scars to your war-chest of romance? It might not make you the Complete Olmos, but no woman can resist a little sprinkling of the hair from the dog that bit her in her apple schnapps!
5. Flattery. It’s no secret that the way to a woman’s heart is usually through her compliment hole – her ears! So start blasting your adulations and approbation of her best features whenever you get the chance. Even better, pick any feature about her, and let her know you approve. A man’s approval is an incredibly powerful aphrodisiac, as it harmonises with the stern and loving voice of fatherly authority that echoes constantly within the female mind-cave. Let her know that, even if she thinks she looks fat, you think she’s just as lovely as the day you cradled her in your arms as an infant.
6. Swans. Women love swans. Black or white, these shrieking, flapping, orange beaked mammals reek of romance and neck-bending elegance. Every little girl dreams of being a swan – from awkward signet to opulent lake-bird. Just about anything on a swan-theme is guaranteed to get her groaning “yes” faster than you can say “let’s have immediate, passionate sex”. Try some of these:
- Take her to the park, to watch the swans on the lake.
- Take her to see Swan Lake.
- When out on a date, wait until she goes to the bathroom, and fold her table napkin into an origami swan.
- Buy her swan-shaped scented pillows.
- Fill her office with live swans to surprise her when she arrives.
- Get her a rescue swan as a gift.
Say it with swans, and she'll be yours forever.