Before watching the final episode of Season 5, which aired on HBO a short time ago, try your hand at our quiz to find out which Game of Thrones spoiler you are!
1. If you were about to go into battle against a superior foe, would you:
a) Quickly check to see you had your car-keys;
b) Pack your weapons belt marked “if in case of superior foe”;
c) Kiss your cherished daughter goodbye, as you may not return; or
d) Burn your daughter to death on the advice of a priestess, causing your wife to hang herself, and failing to secure victory after all?
Every young woman’s dream.
2. If faced with the opportunity to do away with an old enemy who is also a paedophile and brutal murderer, would you:
a) Stab him in the eyes and then gag him with some torn cloth while he screamed;
b) Stab in the chest, groin, back and face while chanting “now the bad things are happening to you!”;
c) Slowly slit his throat and decapitate him; or
d) All of the above?
3. If your slave subjects rebelled against you for perceived treachery, while a secret death squad of their former masters pursued you and your entourage and tried to assassinate you, would you:
a) Declare every Tuesday to be “Taco Tuesday”;
b) Head a hastily-convened community outreach event and a series of “town hall” style meetings for citizens to air their grievances, and begin a fruitful dialogue with constituents about their concerns;
c) BURN THEM! BURN THEM ALL!; or
d) Go in search of your pet dragon the size of a semi-trailer truck, leaving a royal dwarf, disgraced leprous former servant, hired assassin and gigolo, your most trusted fighting eunuch, and your beauty therapist in charge?
Is the bad thing about to happen? Or could it be a different thing? Nobody controls the fates.
4. Given an opportunity to confess to a capital crime in return for slightly more favourable cell conditions, how would you reach your new lodgings?
a) By postal-swan;
b) By homing-swan;
c) A swan-shaped transportation device of some kind; or
d) Walking naked through the streets while your former subjects pelt you with piss, shit and garbage?
5. If you could kill the last surviving members of the Stark family in Westeros, would it be by:
a) Miniature horse stampede;
b) Prolonged rape;
c) Jumping off a high wall; or
d) This is a trick question – only 2/3rds of the remaining Starks died jumping off a wall.
Every young woman’s dream.
6. A small group of your enemies, some whom have openly admitted they think you are a dangerous madman who would be better off dead, lead you to a dark corner of the courtyard to show you something improbable. Do you:
a) Tell them you really have to catch up with Homeland on PVR, and will chat later;
b) Tell them that it sounds like an obvious trap, and then bolt the doors and begin making pipe-bombs and planning your escape as they attempt to break down the door;
c) Send off your most trusted companion and only friend to somewhere far away to learn about history; or
d) Send off your most trusted companion and only friend to somewhere far away to learn about history, and also follow the group of your enemies to what turns out to be an ambush, where you are repeatedly stabbed Julius Caesar -style, mumbling “You do know nothing, Jon Snow” as you slowly bleed to death?
The love of an uncle.
7. What song would you play at your daughter’s funeral?
a) Afternoon Delight by Starland Vocal Band
b) Hang On Help Is On The Way by Little River Band
c) Here I Go Again by Whitesnake
d) Forever Young by Rod Stewart
[not pictured: violent death]
8. As a last ditch effort to redeem yourself as a human being, will you finally remember that you are Theon Greyjoy, heir to the Iron Islands, and friend of the Starks?
a) Yes – your sister Yara, whose love for you remains strong, sends a moonbeam to settle upon your slumbering frame in your kennel cage; and by a touch of its magical brilliance you are transported back to your homeland, where you are once again loved, and whole, and free of all the suffering you have endured at the hands of your tormenter, whose name is erased forever from your memory and the world;
b) Yes – you strangle Lady Sansa as an act of mercy, and disguise yourself as her while waiting for Ramsay to return so you can murder him, and grab your chance to be free, free at last;
c) Yes – In a final act of sacrifice, you push Myranda (who is threatening to maim Sansa) off the battlements, the impact of the fall killing her instantly. You hug Sansa and she whispers that she forgives you; or
d) Yes – In a final act of sacrifice, you push Myranda (who is threatening to maim Sansa) off the battlements, the impact of the fall killing her instantly. You hug Sansa and she whispers that she forgives you; then you join hands, and jump off the battlements together, the impact of the fall killing you both instantly?
Mostly A’s — You’re way off track! For a moment there we were fairly certain you were thinking of spoilers from Parks and Recreation. You need to revise your approach to identifying spoilers.
Mostly B’s — You’re overly practical in your approach to spoilers – remember, a great spoiler has to be shocking in its delivery and content, but just convincing enough that it could ruin a fan’s week – even if it only turns out to be half right, or plausible but not what actually happens. You are trying for “Hermione Dies” but only getting as far as “Leslie and Ben get married and move to Minneapolis”
Mostly C’s — You are some of the spoiler alerts! Though you aren’t quite on the money for Game of Thrones, you could still probably compete in the writers’ room post-lunch brainstorming session. Try adding a little bit more nudity and murder, and you’ve got it!
Mostly D’s — You are Tyrion Lannister! You are the series’ most relateable and plain-spoken character, facing all situations with a mix of sardonic wit, intelligent analysis, and compassion. Your spirit animal is the North American star-nosed mole, because you are both small, good at feeling out situations, and active in all seasons, night and day. Both a brilliant tactician and fearless leader, you are the best of your otherwise vile family. You did it!
all images used to illustrate this article are copyright HBO (Home Box Office) 2011-2015